| Populate or perish the thought |
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| Tuesday, 25 March 2008 00:00 |
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Meera Atkinson
Unpack the issues...
The arguments for and against having children in Australia are complex, with hormones, lifestyle choice and medical issues bumping up against big ethical issues like environmental sustainability. But the main issue is that much of the discussion doesn’t happen in public. The conversations we don’t have are shaped by stereotypes of “normal” family life and career-obsessed childless women. These stereotypes mask the very real dilemmas — and social stigmas — facing men and women when it comes to procreating. Annecdotal evidence suggests that — supermarket tantrums, compromised sleep, and Wiggles songs aside — the majority of people who have children are happy they did. But some people wish they hadn’t and others make a firm decision not to. Alexa is 34 and had her first child, Leo, almost two years ago. While she isn’t prepared to use the word “regret”, she did struggle to come to terms with motherhood. “Before Leo we had a great life. We used to go on holidays and out to dinner and the theatre and cinema. You give up so much when you have a child,” she says. Alexa felt a strong expectation that she should take to the role of motherhood like a duck to water. Instead, she felt overwhelmed by the new stressors her baby placed on both her and her marriage. Further, she felt there were very few safe spaces where she could talk about her feelings. “You’ve got to be choosey who you talk to, because there is still a taboo around not enjoying being a mother,” she says. However, Alexa has now come through that “tunnel” to discover the joys of parenthood and says that “though the first year was horrible and I can’t say I enjoyed it, now I’d do it again.” Where Alexa isn’t alone is in the birth statistics. After years of plummeting birth rates and increasing fear about the burden of an “ageing population” Peter Costello, then treasurer, famously implored Australian women to make babies and promptly introduced the “baby bonus”. Since then the birth rate in Australia has climbed to its highest levels since 1995. But while women over 30 feel the pressure to embrace the joys of parenthood, those who embrace it too young also come under suspicion, including men. Only 8% of men aged 20-24 have one or more children. Daniel Donahoo became a dad at the age of 23 and was told he was throwing his life away. It was an alienating situation which inspired him to research the experience of other young parents and to advocate on behalf of those choosing to have children early in life. His research also led to his writing a book, Idolising Children, which explores Australia’s obsession with creating the perfect childhood. In it, he addresses the fears expressed by Alexa and aims to remove the guilt that so many parents seem to feel in their struggle to be “perfect”. Meanwhile, those women and men who choose not to have children at all find themselves judged and pitied. Susan Moore has co-authored, with her husband David, Child-free Zone: Why More People Are Choosing Not to be Parents. “You hear a lot in the media, which drives me nuts, ‘As a mother . . .’ — which is meant to mean that as a mother you instantly have compassion and understanding and caring,” Susan says. “When someone has a baby they’re viewed as a saint in some way, as if they become an all-caring, all-loving being. We only have to look at some of the appalling conditions some children are living in to know that’s not the case.” Susan says she hears “many offensive comments” but “selfish” is the word most associated with the chosen childless, the suggestion being that people who don’t want children are cold, heartless and spiritually deficient. However, reactions to her book have been largely positive. “We got letters from parents and non-parents,” she says, “The most heartbreaking ones were from women saying that if they had their time again they wouldn’t have children. I felt terrible for them, how awful for them and for the children.” It is difficult to know why some subjects — like parenthood — are taboo and why we are so quick to judge those who have different opinions or belief systems to ourselves. What matters most is that women and men be allowed to consider their options in an atmosphere less burdened by silence and fear, to value each life as precious, including our own, and to judge the lives of others less. Unpack the issues...
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Social dialogue around breeding is touchy.
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